Mid Winter Break, Mid winter blues.

Hi friends, 

I have wanted to write, and I have tried. But it has been so hard to get my words out. So I finally have the words on my heart that I feel I need to communicate. I will do my best to not ramble.

I will be brutally honest, I am writing this with a heavy heart. I have found my emotions this last month or so to be incredibly jumbled. It has become even more difficult to motivate myself, school has seemed to drag on and everyday I feel like I am losing more and more energy to put forth all the effort I need to be the best I can be, in all aspects of my life. I know that everyone can relate to this at one point or another. But because of this, I have found myself to be more irritable, less patient and to have a shorter temper. What am I even doing? there has to be more than this. I have made it quite clear that I am NOT a winter person and there's not many things that I despise more than winter. So I know that I am experiencing a bit of 'Seasonal Depression' or 'Seasonal Affective Disorder' if you want to sound more intelligent. This is not news to me. I've had this for at least the last couple of years during the winter. It just seems to be doubling a little more this year with all of the other anxieties that have crept up on my mind. 

This year especially, the worst idea has been the idea of going back to school after a break. I've shared before that school is hard and the most anxiety filled place for me. So I will not go into that, (See my last blog post if you have not already) A specific time that comes to mind is going back to school this year after having one of the best summers of my life. It was not only the thought of having to wake up early, do homework and struggle through school work that haunted me, but the fact that I was entering a season of change and that I was being thrown back into reality which of course is something I do not do well with in any way. As I mentioned a few lines ago, I had the time of my life during summer, but I also faced a great deal of change during the summer as well. Someone who meant a lot to me moved out of state and some other people dear to me moved as well, some to start college, and some for other reasons. I look back now and see what a dark place I was in, especially in the month of August. I didn't want these people to leave. Goodbyes are the equivalent of torture in my mind.  There was a period of time where it was rare that I'd go through a day without crying. People stepped in, just at the right time and place, often to just simply share a bible verse with me or to remind me that they were here if I just needed to talk and process. I knew they were sincere and the thing that amazed me was that these were people who I was not necessarily friends with, people who I walked the same hallways of my school with, but didn't know too well. I knew that God sent these people to walk alongside of me. I was overwhelmed with God's peace and presence in my life, maybe even more now than I was then, as I am 6 months removed from that situation and able to process it with a clearer mind. I have healed so much and come such a long way. This year and the winter months especially have been hard on me, but I have also been the happiest I have been in a while this school year. This post probably seems incredibly negative, because in some ways, I am experiencing some of the same feelings I had in August. Some of my best friends and the people who have helped make my high school experience so much better are graduating this year and I cannot wrap my mind around that. I don't have trouble getting along with underclassmen or anyone in general, but I have always appreciated having older students around. Even though it will only be one year, it's just another thing that will change and take time to adjust to. A lot of the people who I have come to love so dearly will not be there. I'll be the oldest, I will have to start thinking about what I want to do after high school. That is terrifying. But just like summer, I've been surrounded with many blessings who will walk with me.
My 6th graders who I have the opportunity and privilege to be a lifegroup leader to this year, who I am beginning to love so much, My co-leader, my anthem friends and my own lifegroup leaders and pastors, My parents, grandparents, my brother and sister. And all of my other dear friends in school and outside. As for my lack of motivation and good attitude, I want to be better. I am trying. I can do it. But I will need continual prayer and support. Thank you for coming along with me, and for reading this if you've read this far. I promise that my posts will not all be this long and rambling. I think I have said everything I've needed to say for now, except for one thing: I am okay.