4 days

I'm not so sure that I have enough clarity in my head to even try and blog right now but I said from the start that this will not always be some well written, beautiful words so if that's what you're looking for, you may not be in the right place. 

My dear, sweet friends. I am not super put together right now and I will not try to sugar coat that. Humans are constantly trying to put on masks and make everything look like it's perfect all the time. Our culture and society is not super keen on showing emotion, so naturally I think we have just been trained to shut our emotions out, even if we are in complete shambles on the inside. We've covered up our pain with these glossy smiles and we feel like we are weak if we don't have it put together all the time. I think that is complete crap. We were created to be emotional creatures, we were given emotions. Why would we try to hide them? Sure, sometimes you do need to buck up a little bit. Can you imagine all of us just sitting together in a pile of emotions all the time? It'd be a mess. However, I do not think we were made to cover up everything and bottle it all up inside of us. It's unhealthy to say the least. So, I will be honest and say that right now I feel completely out of sorts, I feel like I am borderline going into panic mode, I feel stressed, overwhelmed, nervous. You name it. 

I am 4 days out from getting on a plane and flying from Grand Rapids, to Chicago, to London... to UGANDA. 4 days. I'm finding myself at a loss for words when I try to process this trip, and I really don't think I'll be able to process it until much later. Right now, I don't know what to expect, I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. For those of you know me well enough, you know that I don't work like that..at least not for big things like this. The fact that I'm flying across the world and leaving the country for the first time is a little terrifying to me. Yes, I'm going to admit it. Little Aubrey is guilty in the past for being too big for her britches. Okay, there, I said it. Of course I want to see the world, I am so passionate about people everywhere. But now that this trip is coming at me faster than I'm prepared for it to, and now that it's more than just a thought, I feel a little shaken. I'm nervous about silly little things, getting sick, packing the wrong thing, forgetting something, I'll get homesick or miss out on stuff with my friends here, yadda yadda. I also don't care for flying, I can barely sit still for a class period, so two seven hour flights will be a fun reality for me. I realize that these things that I'm worrying about now will be so minor once I get to Africa, once we are on the move all the time, and once I meet all these beautiful children. It's just right now. And I think this is the worst part. 

This trip was laid on my heart already last summer, but I didn't put too much into it. I thought it was way too far off to be thinking about it.  So when the meeting was held earlier on in the school year for any junior who had the slightest interest in this trip, I went because "It couldn't hurt" So I went to Klein's room, where half of my grade already was. I scanned the faces and wondered who would be there in the end. One of my first thoughts was that I would be one of the last people to pull through. I won't be able to raise the funds, I'll chicken out. Ect. Ect. After a lot of thought and prayer, God continued to make it clear that it was where he wanted me. I didn't think about this trip too much during the school year because it just felt so distant. But now here I am, about to leave the country with 13 of my classmates. I have comfort knowing that if I wasn't supposed to go on this trip, I would not be going. Simple as that. God has so much in store for my group and for me individually. He wants me there, he wouldn't let me go into something that is far out of my comfort zone and not take care of me. So why should I put so much energy into worrying about it?  I have gotten so much love and support from so many people in my life and it means more than anyone knows. It's so encouraging to know that I'm being prayed for and carried through this. Thank you, you are all blessing me more than I can put to words. I have been given an opportunity that I never imagined I would have been given. I will look back on this for the rest of my life. So here I go, stepping into the unknown and clinging to the fact that I am not even close to doing it alone. Here's to the first of many adventures 

xoxo 

Anthem Anthem Anthem

It'd be a crime to never talk about something about that has been such a huge part of my life all these years. Anthem. I don't even really know where to begin sorting out my thoughts. Anthem has been the best place for me. I have made some of the most irreplaceable friendships there and I am convinced that I would not be the same person that I am if it weren't for anthem. Does that scare you? It should. 

High school has been incredibly difficult for me. Freshman and sophomore year especially, I had friends, but I felt like I was just going through the motions. I didn't feel very close to many people. That has changed this year, as I have the best group of friends at school who I wouldn't trade for anything. However, at anthem, this was never the case. Right when I came to the first anthem of freshman year, it just felt right. I knew I belonged there and that has never changed, as I am now at the end of my junior year. Anthem is nothing like a school environment. Everyone has a place, and everyone knows they have a place at anthem. I have never felt judged by anyone there. They're my kind of people, I have met people there who are equally as weird as I am so that is how I knew that it was my place. Anthem is the place where you can walk through the doors just as you are and there is going to be so many people who genuinely care about you as a person. It's so much more than a youth group. Not to mention I was put with the most incredible group of girls to walk through these years with. Alexa, Taylor, Melissa, Jessica, Alli, Parlee and of course my leaders Jacqueline & Bethany. I don't know where I'd be without these girls. I have the most genuine and real friendships with them and we all just love and support each other like crazy. They allow me to be my awkward, goofy self but they also don't judge me for how easily I cry. True friends right there. The majority of us go to different schools but it's so amazing how we just pick up where we left off each week. They are my best friends. I could not begin to put into words how much they mean to me. Along with the girls in my lifegroup I have also made friendships with other wonderful people. I'm thankful for each and every person I have become close with or come into contact with during my time at anthem.

 Anthem is now done until September so I truly don't know what I am going to do with my sundays now. Homework I guess? It makes me sad, to say the least, and maybe even a little afraid that I only have one more year left at anthem and that I know it will be over in the blink of an eye. It scares me when I think about the community at anthem, and how I don't even know if it's possible to find a community like this one in the "real world"  A couple weeks ago, I watched the senior class talk about their experience at anthem and the only thing I could really think about was how that was going to be me next year. I just don't know how I'm going to say goodbye to this community and it scares me, maybe even more than all the decisions that I need to make next year.

It was because of my incredible experience so far in Mars Hill students that I decided to be a lifegroup leader myself and I could not be any more blessed or thankful for the group of 6th graders that I had the opportunity to be a leader to. I get to move up with these girls as they go on to 7th grade and I am so excited to watch them grow and grow with them. They amaze me with how much they think. They ask difficult questions which challenge me to think about God with a more clear lens, as well as examine my own faith. It took me a while to warm up to them, and warm up to the fact that I actually had some kind of authority. I'm 18, I'm a kid too. At the beginning of the school year the question, "Aubrey, can I go to the bathroom?" scared the daylights out of me. "Am I really allowed to make this decision right now?" Of course I wasn't perfect and it is safe to say I learned a lot.  I am so thankful for my co-leader who took me under her wing. I became so much more confident and I'm so glad she was there beside me.

I really don't know how to close this. There's too much to say, too much to process. I can't thank the people in the Anthem/Mars Hill community enough. Thank you for believing in me when I just couldn't find it in me to believe in myself. Thank you for showing me how a Christian community should be. Thank you for making it totally acceptable to "fly my freak flag"  Thank you for helping me learn of my value, that I'm not a bad investment. I still struggle at times to believe this, I am still my own biggest critic and at times my own worst enemy. But I am learning to love myself and I can say without a doubt that because of you all, I am able to get back up and learn to walk again. My one word to end this: speechless 

A little bit o' Africa on my mind.

I should be in bed, but what do you expect? I have not blogged in so long! when you're inspired, you just gotta let it out, man.

As you may know, I am going to play with the giraffes and the lions this summer in Africa. Although it hasn't really hit me, it becomes just a little more real everyday. I will have lots more to come on this trip as I get closer to it, but while it is fresh on my mind I wanted to share part of the letter(slightly revised for the blog post)  that I sent out to some friends and relatives because I was a little proud of it.  You don't have to keep reading, but ya know.... It's right here if you want to. 

Goodnight and sweet dreams

xoxo

Dear Friends and Family,

Matthew 28:19-20 says “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always to the very end of the age.”

This summer, I have the opportunity to travel to Uganda with a group of my classmates. During this time, just a few of the things my group and I will be involved in include visiting an orphanage and various schools, including St. Francis School for the Blind, and connecting with the students there as well as worshiping with them in their churches. We will also be engaged with and learn from survivors of the Lord’s Resistance Army, children who were abducted and forced to be soldiers.

This was laid on my heart last summer and after much thought and prayer, God turned it into a calling. He has made it clear that he wants me to go with my school and leave my comfort zone to serve him. I want to serve God, I am ready and excited. I know that through this trip, my eyes will be opened and I will be strengthening not only my own faith, but also the faith of the people who I will be interacting with in Africa.   your prayers are just as important as any other kind of support! Pray for me as I am nervous about going into the unknowns of this trip, pray for the people in Uganda, 

Pray for my group, pray that we all stay healthy and  that we all go into this trip with open minds and hearts ready to serve the Lord.

God is at work in my life and this trip is only one of the ways that his work is evident. I am being shaped and prepared each day, as well as learning to become the woman of God that I am called to be. I know that this trip will be something I will reflect on for the rest of my life. Thank you so much for your love, prayers, and support! 

Grace and Peace,

Aubrey VanEerden

Mid Winter Break, Mid winter blues.

Hi friends, 

I have wanted to write, and I have tried. But it has been so hard to get my words out. So I finally have the words on my heart that I feel I need to communicate. I will do my best to not ramble.

I will be brutally honest, I am writing this with a heavy heart. I have found my emotions this last month or so to be incredibly jumbled. It has become even more difficult to motivate myself, school has seemed to drag on and everyday I feel like I am losing more and more energy to put forth all the effort I need to be the best I can be, in all aspects of my life. I know that everyone can relate to this at one point or another. But because of this, I have found myself to be more irritable, less patient and to have a shorter temper. What am I even doing? there has to be more than this. I have made it quite clear that I am NOT a winter person and there's not many things that I despise more than winter. So I know that I am experiencing a bit of 'Seasonal Depression' or 'Seasonal Affective Disorder' if you want to sound more intelligent. This is not news to me. I've had this for at least the last couple of years during the winter. It just seems to be doubling a little more this year with all of the other anxieties that have crept up on my mind. 

This year especially, the worst idea has been the idea of going back to school after a break. I've shared before that school is hard and the most anxiety filled place for me. So I will not go into that, (See my last blog post if you have not already) A specific time that comes to mind is going back to school this year after having one of the best summers of my life. It was not only the thought of having to wake up early, do homework and struggle through school work that haunted me, but the fact that I was entering a season of change and that I was being thrown back into reality which of course is something I do not do well with in any way. As I mentioned a few lines ago, I had the time of my life during summer, but I also faced a great deal of change during the summer as well. Someone who meant a lot to me moved out of state and some other people dear to me moved as well, some to start college, and some for other reasons. I look back now and see what a dark place I was in, especially in the month of August. I didn't want these people to leave. Goodbyes are the equivalent of torture in my mind.  There was a period of time where it was rare that I'd go through a day without crying. People stepped in, just at the right time and place, often to just simply share a bible verse with me or to remind me that they were here if I just needed to talk and process. I knew they were sincere and the thing that amazed me was that these were people who I was not necessarily friends with, people who I walked the same hallways of my school with, but didn't know too well. I knew that God sent these people to walk alongside of me. I was overwhelmed with God's peace and presence in my life, maybe even more now than I was then, as I am 6 months removed from that situation and able to process it with a clearer mind. I have healed so much and come such a long way. This year and the winter months especially have been hard on me, but I have also been the happiest I have been in a while this school year. This post probably seems incredibly negative, because in some ways, I am experiencing some of the same feelings I had in August. Some of my best friends and the people who have helped make my high school experience so much better are graduating this year and I cannot wrap my mind around that. I don't have trouble getting along with underclassmen or anyone in general, but I have always appreciated having older students around. Even though it will only be one year, it's just another thing that will change and take time to adjust to. A lot of the people who I have come to love so dearly will not be there. I'll be the oldest, I will have to start thinking about what I want to do after high school. That is terrifying. But just like summer, I've been surrounded with many blessings who will walk with me.
My 6th graders who I have the opportunity and privilege to be a lifegroup leader to this year, who I am beginning to love so much, My co-leader, my anthem friends and my own lifegroup leaders and pastors, My parents, grandparents, my brother and sister. And all of my other dear friends in school and outside. As for my lack of motivation and good attitude, I want to be better. I am trying. I can do it. But I will need continual prayer and support. Thank you for coming along with me, and for reading this if you've read this far. I promise that my posts will not all be this long and rambling. I think I have said everything I've needed to say for now, except for one thing: I am okay.

Not Just My Way Of Procrastinating

Right now, I should be studying for exams.... 

But I am itching to blog. I need to get something out. I didn't exactly have intentions to blog tonight so I'm hoping the words just come to me. On the topic of exams, I feel that school would be an appropriate subject to base this on. As I've said before, school has been anything but easy for me. It's been the biggest struggle for me and I've spent the majority of my years in school frustrated. "I know I should understand this, but I just don't, and I'd feel stupid saying that I don't get it." "How is school so easy for all these people?"
These thoughts surround me. I feel as though there is a wall in my head blocking off information from reaching my brain. I've felt trapped and it would come to a point where I didn't even know how to ask questions. I was too lost to even try and sort out my thoughts and get my words out. I didn't understand anything and I had and still have trouble communicating that to my teachers. I go to a really great school with really caring and passionate teachers. My school is filled with students who are very academically gifted. every school has these students but I think it causes me to feel more out of place at my school because of the small size of it. Don't get me wrong, no one ever makes me feel dumb and I really do appreciate the people at my school. I am thankful for the many friendships I have made and strengthened there. sometimes I just think people have a difficult time understanding that school is hard for some students, as I have a difficult time understanding how school could be so easy for some. Now, I also may not be giving myself enough credit here. In general, I have gotten pretty good grades. But I am beginning to realize that there is life after high school. I believe that I am gifted in many other areas and that God is going to use me for incredible things. I don't know what this life after high school holds for me, but even if I'm not always verbalizing this or even thinking it, I think this hope is what keeps me going everyday. What causes me drag myself out of bed at 6 AM and sometimes struggle through an entire day but not give up. I mean, if I didn't believe in this hope, I'm sure it'd be almost impossible to still be going to school. This is where I am right now. I may complain about it being a waste of my time, and in all honesty, I still think this at times. But when I can take the time to truly reflect on it all, I know that I'm supposed to be here right now. I am halfway through my junior year. I have a year and a half left to hold on yet. I've made it this far. You're wrong if you think I'm going to give up at this point. Just watch me. I will be amazing. 

Cross Country

It would be a crime if I never talked about my sport. So I figured now would be the perfect moment to take some time to share my experience so far with the wonderful sport of cross country. Take a seat and get ready for a whole lot of crazy. I have so much to say. Brace yourselves.

Now, most people seem to either respect XC runners, or think that we are completely insane. In all honesty, I don't think I necessarily disagree with the second opinion. If you don't run cross, it's so hard to truly understand it and the runners or as some of you may say "cult members." Anyway, some days I would actually question myself as to why I do this sport, why I put my body through this. Frankly, it sucks so much of the time. Running that hard workout, or running yourself dead for those 3.1 miles does seem absolutely ridiculous most of the time. And on top of that, you're not really ever guaranteed to get your best time or run your best race. So what's the point? You put yourself through a few hard minutes of pain for it to not always pay off in the end? You force your body to do things that sometimes I think bodies should not be able to do. Yep, great sport. I'm sure I've got you all sold by now. But don't go anywhere! I have not even made my real point yet!

As wonderful as that all sounded, that part is so minor and insignificant when I think of cross. Sound weird? I believe it. How can something so miserable not be the first thing I think about? For me, it's a simple answer that can be explained in one word. Team. I guess you could say TenKate has rubbed off on me just a little. Yes, my team. The forty-some other people who are just as crazy as I am. The people who I'm really just a big, goofy family with. They are the first thing I think about.
Sophomore year was my first season of high school cross country. Choosing to run cross  was one of the best decisions I could have ever made for myself. It was what helped me really begin to gain more confidence in myself. Everyone on the team was so accepting and cool. They all welcomed me into their family. I never felt judged because they were all just as weird and out there as I was. So I had finally found my people. I know I will have more to say about my team later on, but back to the running part. I may have mislead you just a little bit. It is hard work, you'll be sore and tired for a large percent of the time. Your toes might bleed, you may feel sick after or during a race. But hear me when I say this, it is also one of the most rewarding things you can do. Reaching a goal or getting a PR (personal record) is so exciting, especially when you have set that goal not knowing if you'd reach it, but still putting in the work, putting in the miles to get to that point. Even if you don't get the time you hoped for, finishing the race is a huge accomplishment. This past season I had my first experience with an injury and this threw me so low into the dumps about cross. I was not out for the rest of the season but coming back into it was almost more frustrating than not being able to run at all because I was no where near where I should have been. It was the hardest thing for me to see the people who I had been running with before my injury be so far ahead of me in races and never being able to keep up with them. And even though he hadn't, I felt like my coach had given up on me as a runner because he had always challenged me and worked me harder than I thought I was capable of because he told me how much potential he saw in me. I began to doubt my running ability in general but everyone on the team was so encouraging and supportive of me. It would have been so much easier to quit cross all together if I didn't have a team like this one. I didn't dread having to stay after school and I actually looked forward to most practices and knowing that I would get to spend time with people that I liked so much made those seven repetitive hours of school just a little more bearable. I became especially close with a number of the girls on the team and we began to hang out outside of cross. We were stupid together, but almost everything could end in deep discussion and we were able to open up to each other and cry together. I felt so safe with all of them and trusted them with everything. They all said words and gave advice when it was needed, but they were also always willing to just listen or let me cry when I needed to cry. A year ago, my parents and I were deciding if I was going to stay at Calvin or not. I truly believe that one of the reasons God kept me there is so that I could experience this with these people. I formed friendships with people who had before just been students I had  really only seen around school.  Everyone on the team is incredible and I'm so thankful for each and every one of them.

It has not totally set in yet that I have one last season of this, and I'm not sure it will for a while. One last season for the typical shenanigans, one last time to hear TenKate say "Time to wake up ladies, it's a great day to run" Or something of that sort at camp, One more time to run the muscle mile ( can't say I'm bummed about that) With all these lasts going by, I will find myself being a senior leader, being in the middle of the circle when we do core, being the oldest one on the team. Not sure how I feel about this yet. Considering that I did not get to where I wanted to running wise this season, I could say that I'm ready to train my butt off for one last season, I'm ready to run for Jesus, I'm ready to lead my team. I can't promise perfection, but I can promise that I'm ready to try and be the best I can possibly be. I will try my hardest to not lead you all astray :) but you must be willing to bare with me. Just because I'll be a senior does not mean some of you young-ins can't set me straight from time to time. We're all a team, no person has more value than another. I'm ready for one last season, and as always, I plan to make my exit with a bang. Are you ready for this? 

The First Attempt

New Year? New beginning. let's try this.

I have wanted to try blogging for such a long time, but I have excused myself from it with words such as "I have nothing interesting to say" "I'm boring" "I can't get my words out" But I have finally given in. I am coming to realize that no one is boring. We all have a story and something extraordinary to say. My life has been anything but uneventful and boring. I will try my hardest to blog at least once a week-maybe more. We'll see what inspires me. I'm sure we'll get somewhere, maybe...hopefully. I hope this becomes an inspiration and help to you as I try and sort through my thoughts by writing them out. I'm sure I will learn a lot about myself as I do this, and my hope is that you will take something out of this, too. I'm willing to try to make this go somewhere. I can't always promise some beautifully, well-written, put together words. Sometimes it may just be my messy thoughts, but that's okay too. I hope you're ready. 

Changes

 I will start by saying that I have the best family, really. We all have our set of issues, just like any family. But they're family. Obviously, I am the youngest of three. Not being super close in age to my siblings was always difficult for me. It was hard and at times impossible for me to relate to them and naturally as the youngest, I was often the butt of most jokes and picked on, a lot of times I may have deserved it. I was not always easy to live with and sometimes this still applies. Any of my family members could tell you this firsthand. So, as I was saying. I hated being the youngest because my brother and sister moved out while I still had plenty of years of having to live at home. One thing to know about me is that I have an immensely difficult time dealing with changes and adjustments-possibly more than the average person. It takes me an incredibly long time and even then I can't always fully accept a change. This year has been a huge year for me because most of it has been change. In fact, this has been the most hectic, crazy, stressful, different year for me. But it has also been the most fun and I have been blessed and given so many opportunities. The first huge change was that after almost 5 years of not living at home, my sister moved back. Of course before it actually took place, I was ecstatic. I would finally have a sibling again and maybe get some of my youth back ( My mom thinks that living only with her and my dad made some of their old age rub off on me. HA) My mom warned me that having my sister back home might not be as glamorous as I was expecting, and that we would all have to work together to have the best experience we could. Take note of this because I don't say these things often..My mom was 120% accurate and then some. Her living here has been one of the most challenging experiences, for all of us. Each day she lived here, I realized that I had actually liked being the only child here. I think God is testing our family, and me personally. This is by far the biggest adjustment I have ever had thrown at me and more often than not I just want an escape. I always feel like I have reached my last straw and any inkling of patience that I had left. But this being the first time I have actually reflected on this experience, I realize that it is selfish of me to think I am the only one having a hard time with this. My sister spent last year teaching abroad in Honduras. I can't even imagine the emotions she went through- packing up everything and leaving the life she loved. I hope one day I can have the courage that has been so evident in her. It's selfish of me to act like I am the only one with a lot on my plate. We're all trying to get through this new life we have together, as well as balancing everything else going on in our own individual lives. This is how it's supposed to be right now. God wanted us together and there is something bigger in store for all of us. Pray for us as we continue to take it one day at a time. Pray that I may have the right attitude and be as positive as I possibly can, and that I won't go into everyday feeling bitter. I can do this. I know it.